Battle for the Guru Cup
2017 Season Preview is here, check out the latest in Guru Cup prognostication
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Historical league stats have been updated and can be seen here
2016 Guru Draft Lottery
Okay guys, no video for the draft lottery this year due to time but I want to get the order out there so that we can start mocking with purpose. I used the same website as last year. Chad changed his draft position one last time yesterday to the #1 pick. The remaining order is below with the option to add comments afterwards.
So there you have it. Start working on your mock drafts and your keeper selections. I'll follow up with you guys about finalizing the draft time. Good luck!
Week 13 Preview: Oh, The Difference A Year Makes
It seems like just yesterday that Guru Cup competitors were looking at a league full of parity with virtually everyone in the mix for a playoff spot down the stretch. In 2015, things have gone in the opposite direction. Whether through rule changes, intimidation, or just laziness on the parts of the shitty teams, this season has been a clear case of the haves vs. the have nots.
Let’s take a quick look at the numbers behind these contrasting seasons:
As you can see from the chart above, we have seen a stark decrease in parity and gender equality across the Guru Cup league in 2015. At the top of the ladder we have License to Kill (Rob W.) bouncing back after missing the playoffs for his first time in Guru Cup history in 2014 to storm off with the regular season title with an 11-1 record. On the flip side, our reigning champion, Immortal (Nick), has found that the sledding has been much more difficult in his third season in the league after starting 1-7 and averaging a paltry 83 points per week. The Guru Cup will have a new owner in 2016. But enough with the small talk, let’s get to the Week 13 matchups and implications.
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Immortal (Nick, 3-9, 11th) vs. Ballstompers (Sean, 3-9, 10th)
This could be a preview of a consolation bracket matchup next week, but that’s really digging for substance here. There’s just not really much to say about this matchup, these two teams suck.
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License to Kill (Rob W., 11-1, 1st) vs. The Abusement Park (Chad, 3-9, 9th)
If Rob were coaching his players, I’m sure that he’d be resting them this week for the playoffs, but we play fake football so we have a battle of David and Goliath. This has been a rivalry in the past, so despite the game being meaningless in terms of playoff position you can bet your dick that these guys still want to pound each other… wait, maybe that didn’t come out right, but it’s been a while so I’m rusty. Rob has already locked up his fifth 1st round bye in seven seasons and his third regular season title. He has cleared the space on his mantle for the Guru Cup that has always evaded him, will this finally be his year?
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It’s My Vick in a Box (Chris, 8-4, 3rd) vs. That’s Amari (Zen, 5-7, 8th)
This is another game with little in the way of implications. Chris, as with The Deflator, has not technically clinched a playoff spot but due to scoring tiebreakers is basically assured of finishing anywhere from 2nd to 6th. Making his league-high fourth straight playoff appearance, Chris needs a win and an AIDS loss to get a 1st round bye, while Zen is locked into the 2nd seed in the consolation bracket. Based on Yahoo projections, this matchup is a virtual coin flip. Still, Chris has been looking to dominate Zen at every opportunity in response to Zen’s entrance video from 2013 when he farted on Chris’ pillow and scrubbed his toothbrush in the toilet… that shit’s gross. And yes, I just referred to myself in the third person throughout that preview, fuck you for judging me.
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Hot Cheese Soup (Matt, 1-11, 12th) vs. Marshawn ‘Lynch Val’ (Tom, 7-5, 6th)
Here is the first matchup with something really on the line. Not for Matt, of course, his team has been atrocious after winning the regular season titles in both 2013 and 2014. At this point, he’s just playing spoiler trying to keep the rookie out of the playoffs (still a very noble cause, Matt). Tom Briggs is in his first season in the Guru Cup and aside from a team name that sets our league back several decades, he has performed quite admirably and now controls his own destiny to make the playoffs. Given Tom’s sizable point lead over Demaryius Targaryen, with a win or a Demaryius loss he’s in.
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AIDS (Steve, 9-3, 2nd) vs. Demaryius Targaryen (James, 7-5, 7th)
This one could be a co-game of the week. Steve has already clinched a playoff berth after missing the dance last year for the first time in his history of Guru Cup play. Now Steve is trying to lock up an all-important 1st round bye with a win. James is playing for his playoff life, and needs a little help on top of it. Being so far behind in points, James needs to win coupled with either a Marshawn or Luck My Balls loss. Thursday night’s Rodgers-to-Rodgers hail mary, despite making my dick soft, did provide a much needed early boost to James’ chances by adding 12.1 onto Richard Rodgers’ total and giving James a 16.5 point live projected edge heading into Sunday. Shit could get real.
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Matchup of the Week: The Deflator (Davis, 8-4, 4th) vs. Luck My Balls (Rob F., 7-5, 5th)
All kinds of playoff implications in this one. Let’s start with Davis, who can finish as high as 2nd with a win and some help, or as low as 6th. He will need strong games out of Sammy Watkins and OBJ after Calvin Johnson spoiled a hot start and underperformed on Thursday night. Rob finds himself in a very interesting situation: he leads the league in points scored averaging 103.65 points/week, yet could still find himself on the outside looking in if he loses and both Marshawn and Demaryius win. Nevertheless, Rob controls his own fate as he’s in with a win or a Marshawn/Demaryius loss (barring some ridiculous point differential). This is most definitely a matchup to keep track of throughout the day.
So there you have it, the Week 13 Preview. Hopefully this holiday season finds you all in good spirits and looking forward to a furious few weeks of fantasy action. Remember that the consolation bracket winner gets his choice of draft position next season, so take the gun out of your mouth Chad and hold on for a few more weeks. Also, we have a solid enough league such that I don’t need to constantly hound anyone for it, but if you have not paid your league dues please do so soon. And as always, BEAR DOWN!!!
Later,
Chris
Check out the newest AIDS hit, "AIDS'll Figure it Out"
And the first entry from our female member...
2014 Preseason Power Rankings
Here are we are kicking off another season of alarm reminders at 3am on Wednesdays, Sunday morning last-minute flip-flopping, and a funny video or three along the way. Yes indeed, it's fantasy football time. As has become our annual tradition, we’ll take a cruise through the preseason power rankings.
The methodology is simple. We invited everyone in the league to rank the teams 1-12. Combining those votes with the Yahoo power rankings/projections and outside sites' composite rankings, we find ourselves with a very mediocre look at who is primed for fantasy stardom. As always, I'll add in my two cents on each team to provide a little color to the rankings. With all of the videos we’ve been making it seems like I haven’t done this in ages, so let’s see how it goes.
12. Immortal (Nick) - 11.38
Much of this downside was attributed to Nick refusing to draft a Defense and his only TE (Jermichael Finley) having as many projected points as I do this season. That said, this team is better than a 12th ranking... but not much. A strong WR core and low floor/high ceiling guys like CJ Spiller and Jay Cutler make this a club to watch.
11. Brawndo (Zen) - 10.75
The Cowboys defense. A timid group of 10-year old valley girls. Another Chris Farley movie. These are all things that you should not fear, so we can safely add team Brawndo to this list. Zen's comeback tour to the Guru Cup began with a whimper after a draft that makes my dick soft. Weak at both RB and WR, Zen will count on Aaron Rodgers, Jimmy Graham and Steven Hauschka to carry him. This team just blows.
10. AIDS (Steve) - 7.88
It seems ridiculous to see our defending two-time runner-up sitting at the ten spot. Yet after Calvin Johnson, AIDS just seems to lack some punch. Wes Welker's return from suspension will certainly help as well as a few good late round picks, but the pressure will be on Steve to press the right buttons in order to continue his Buffalo Bills-esque run at another silver medal.
9. 4th & Chunk (Sarah) - 7.25
Sarah's club is actually one of my personal favorites as far as starters go, but lacks depth on the bench. Of course this was before the news about Andre Ellington hit the press- if he is out for an extended period Sarah may be staring at another hole to climb out of if she is to make her first playoff appearance.
8. Boston Scrong (Davis) – 7.25
Despite having perhaps the second-worst team name in the league (ahead of Brawndo, which is Zen’s third team name in two weeks), Davis boasts a team that can certainly provide some fireworks on a weekly basis. He will have an edge at QB (Drew Brees), K (Gostkowski) and D/ST (Seattle) in most weeks, but that doesn’t say much. A solid, yet unspectacular, group of WRs is somewhat offset by aging RBs Reggie Bush and MJD. With three rookies on the bench, there is some upside potential on this team which could help propel Davis to his second consecutive playoff appearance.
7. CB1* (Chad) – 6.00
After missing the playoffs for the first time since 2009, Chad has a chip on his shoulder heading into 2014. AP and Le’Veon could give him a positional advantage in most weeks, and a mediocre WR core is boosted by three lottery ticket rookie wideouts on the bench (S. Watkins, B. Cook & C. Latimer). Bank on Chad being firmly in the playoff picture come week 13.
6. McCoy Meets World (Rob F.) – 5.38
Rob turned a 2013 consolation bracket championship into the 1st pick, Shady McCoy, and a fresh start with a new team name. After scoring the fewest points in the Guru league in each of the last two seasons, Rob needed a strong draft to climb out of the cellar as we all know he won’t manage his way into respectability (defending Mostly Useless award winner for least moves). McCoy and the Butler provide a top end RB group, but his WRs are dogshit. Still, Luck entering his 3rd season could be a top 3 QB and everyone loves starting two TEs… actually, after writing this I kinda wish I had ranked this team lower, so there’s that.
5. It’s My Vick in a Box (Chris) – 5.38
This team is so studly it could impregnate your grandmother… dead or alive… I’m half-joking of course, this team’s composition is solidly boring. What it lacks in huge upside players it compensates for with high floor players. This doesn’t make as much sense after seeing Eddie Lacy put up a whopping 4.50 on Thursday, but there are likely better days to come. The core is there to provide stability, but it’ll take a big pickup or two to make this team a championship contender.
4. License to KILL (Rob W.) – 4.88
1st, 1st, 2nd, 5th, 2nd… those are Rob’s regular season finishes in the Guru league. Needless to say, the Wilder household is growing impatient with Rob’s failure to win the Guru Cup. He has put himself in contention once again with another strong draft, winning Yahoo’s Best Draft award. He has two top tier WRs in B-Marsh and Dez, a potentially dominant duo of Tom Terrific and Gronk, and an excellent bench. We all know he will make shrewd moves throughout the season, so will this finally be the year???
3. Ballstompers (Sean) – 4.38
After taking home the Guru Cup in 2011, Sean has fallen on terrible times finishing last in ’12 and losing five straight to close out last season out of the playoffs. But he began the bounce back by grabbing last year’s MVP in Manning and following up with a strong group of RBs in DeMarco Murray, Arian Foster and the ageless Frank Gore. At first glance the average player on the Ballstompers appears to be social security eligible, so injuries will be a concern, but even with the occasional setback Sean looks primed to make another run at the playoffs.
2. Hot Cheese Soup (Matt) – 3.88
Our defending champ parlayed winning the #2 draft pick into quite the formidable group, as Matt was ranked at or near the top in all but two voters’ rankings (yours truly being one of them). Matt is opening the season with a very unorthodox starting lineup of 1 RB, 3 WR, and 2 TE, although Jamaal Charles sometimes counts as two RBs. The Wes Welker suspension moved Emmanuel Sanders into the WR2/3 tier to accompany Alshon and D-Jax in forming an excellent group of receivers. There’s nothing in particular that I hate about this team, other than his shitty bench, it just seems a bit too pedestrian in areas… although I had similar feelings about Matt’s team last year, so take this with a man-sized grain of salt.
1. Teach me how2 Dougie (James) – 3.63
James tops this year’s rankings on the strength of a team filled with high upside, yet solid floors. There are some question marks surrounding guys like Montee Ball, Doug Martin and Golden Tate, but he supplemented them with probably the best bench in the league. My ranking Hot Cheese Soup #10 was the difference between our 1 and 2 ranked teams switching spots, but fortunately they square off in week 1 to see who has the bigger marbles. Big picture for James’ club: with two very startable QBs in RG3 and Kaepernick, the RBs mentioned previously and excellent depth, James will really have to shit the bed to fall out of playoff contention this season. This could be the team to beat…
That’s all for now, as we wait anxiously for 12pm tomorrow as well as for AIDS to drop a new track. A few people have paid already, but remember to start getting your league dues in. Last but not least, BEAR DOWN!!!